Red flags in a dom: a vetting guide

Most red flags in a dom show up in the first week. The trouble is that they show up as small things, and small things are easy to excuse when you like someone.

I’ve been a dominant for about fifteen years and I run a local munch. I’ve watched a lot of men try to skip the parts of this that take time. This is the list I’d give a submissive before her first meeting, with the reason behind each item. It applies to any gender and any role. For where this fits in the wider process, see vetting, in the kink dating guide.

Which red flags in a dom matter most?

Watch what he does with a small no. You said you’d rather not send photos yet. He asks again, or sulks, or makes a joke about it. That is the most reliable predictor I know. A man who pushes on a small no in week one will push on a big one in month three, when you have more invested and less room to leave.

Safewords and limits are not negotiable. Anyone who says real subs don’t need a safeword, or that limits are for beginners, has told you how he’ll behave when you need to stop. Experienced dominants are the people most attached to safewords. We’ve seen what happens without them.

Nobody gets to rush you. Wanting to skip coffee and go straight to a scene usually means a man wants to avoid the part where you look at him closely. A careful dominant enjoys the slow part. It’s where he learns what he’s being trusted with.

Discretion is normal. Secrecy is a warning. Many people in kink keep it private, for good reasons. That is different from telling you not to mention him to your friends, not to bring anyone to meet him, or not to ask around about him. Discretion protects both of you. Secrecy protects him.

How can you tell he’s performing a role?

Some men learned dominance from fiction and kept the costume. You’ll notice a few things:

• A title in the first message. He calls himself Sir before you’ve had a conversation.
• Orders before introductions. He assigns you a task in message two.
• Talk about what he will do to you, rather than questions about what you want.
• Contempt for other dominants, other subs, or the local community, which he’s somehow above.

None of these alone means danger. Together they describe a man who wants the role without the work. The work is mostly attention, which I’ve written about in what good dominance looks like.

Then ask how his previous dynamics ended, and listen. If every ex was crazy, every sub was ungrateful, and every ending was someone else’s fault, the common factor is the man telling you the story. A careful dominant can describe a dynamic that ended badly and name his own part in it. I can name mine. It isn’t a fun conversation, and it’s the most useful thing I’ve learned.

Ask what he does when a scene goes wrong. If he says it never has, he’s very new or he isn’t telling you the truth.

How do you vet a dom before you meet?

Treat it like an interview, because it is one. Both of you are deciding whether to trust the other with something important.

1. Ask about past dynamics, as above.
2. Ask what consent looks like for him in practice: how he checks in, and what he does with a pause.
3. Ask what aftercare means to him.
4. Ask for a video call before you meet in person.
5. If you met through the community, ask around. Other subs will tell you a great deal, often before you finish the question.

A good dominant expects all of this. If he answers easily, that’s a good sign. If he’s annoyed by reasonable questions, you have your answer, and it took less than an hour.

Wren wrote a sub’s guide to finding a dom that covers the same ground from her side, including what a good first message looks like. Read it whichever role you are. It’s useful to know what a careful submissive is checking for, and she’s better at describing the nervous part than I am.

What do red flags look like in negotiation?

Negotiation is where many men show you who they are, because it’s where the rules stop being theoretical.

Watch for limits treated as opening offers. “We’ll see” about a hard limit. Pressure to agree now to things you’d rather decide later. Reluctance to write anything down. A good dominant wants the agreement in writing because it protects him too: nobody has to argue later about what was said.

Also watch for impatience. A negotiation for a first scene takes about twenty minutes. A man who can’t sit through twenty minutes of questions won’t sit through a pause in the middle of a scene either. If you’ve never done one, here is how to negotiate before any scene, with the list I use.

What should you do when you see one?

One flag doesn’t always mean leave. People are awkward, and new people are especially awkward. A single clumsy message is worth a direct question: “That felt pushy. Was it meant to?” How he answers is usually more informative than the message itself.

Two flags mean you can stop replying without explaining yourself. You don’t owe anyone a debate about why you’re not comfortable, and a man who demands one has added a third.

If something felt wrong at a meeting, tell a friend. If he’s part of a local group, tell an organizer. We would rather hear about it early, even if it seems small, because patterns are only visible to people who hear more than one story. Most of us who run munches have learned that the hard way too.