Hard and soft limits, with a list to start from
What hard and soft limits mean, a starter list of categories to work through, and how to write your own without feeling like you're filling in a tax form.
The short answer
Hard limits are things you won't do under any circumstances. Soft limits are things you might do with conditions, or not yet. Write yours down by category (yes, maybe, no), share them before anything happens, and update them as you learn more about yourself.
My first limits list was a spreadsheet. Yes, really. Three columns: yes, maybe, absolutely not. I felt ridiculous making it and then used it constantly.
Hard and soft limits are the boundaries you set before exploring anything. A hard limit is something you won’t do under any circumstances. A soft limit is something you might do with conditions, with the right person, or just not yet. Knowing yours is the most useful thing you can bring to a first conversation with a partner. (For how limits fit with roles and dynamics in general, start with kink roles, explained.)
What’s the difference between hard and soft limits?
Hard limits are fixed. Nobody asks you to justify them, and nobody tries to talk you out of them. If someone does, that’s a red flag in itself.
Soft limits are where the interesting conversations happen. “Maybe, but only after we’ve known each other a while.” “Maybe, but not in public.” “Maybe, if we go very slowly and check in a lot.” The conditions are the important part, so write them down.
There’s a third column I’d add: curious. Things you’re interested in but not ready for. Mine was the longest column for months, and a good partner wants to hear about it.
A starter list to work through
This isn’t a list of activities to try. It’s a list of categories to think about, so you don’t miss something important. Sort each into yes, maybe (with conditions), curious, or no.
- Setting: private only, or are some public or semi-public settings OK?
- Photos and recordings: none at all, or only with specific agreements?
- Marks: anything that could leave a visible mark, and where?
- Sensation: what level of intensity, and what kinds?
- Restraint: being held, tied or restricted in any way.
- Words: names, titles, praise, and any words that are off limits.
- Roleplay: scenarios, and any themes you won’t go near.
- Other people: whether anyone else can be involved or present.
- Substances: whether alcohol or anything else is OK beforehand (many people say none, which is wise).
- Communication: how often you want check-ins, and how you’ll signal a pause.
That last one isn’t a limit exactly, but it belongs on the list. “Check in often, I go quiet when I’m overwhelmed” is one of the most useful lines on mine.
How do you write your own?
Go slowly. Do it on your own first, somewhere you won’t be interrupted. Don’t try to finish it in one sitting.
Use your own words. A limit doesn’t need the “proper” term to count. “Nothing that makes me feel laughed at” was on my list long before I knew there were names for the things it covered, and it’s still one of my most important lines.
Be honest about the maybe column. It’s tempting to move things into yes to seem easygoing, or into no to seem safe. Neither helps. Maybe with conditions is a real answer.
Notice your reactions. If something on a list makes you feel uneasy, that’s information. If something makes you curious, that’s information too. You don’t have to explain either.
And write down a date. Limits change as you learn more about yourself and as trust grows. I review mine every few months, and some things have moved in both directions.
How do you share your list with a partner?
Before anything happens, in a calm moment, ideally sober and not in bed. Some people send it ahead; some go through it together. I like going through it together, because the conversation is half the point.
Share your hard limits plainly and without apology. You don’t owe anyone a reason, and a partner who asks “but why?” in a challenging tone has told you something. A partner who asks “is there anything I should know so I don’t get close to it by accident?” has told you something too, and it’s much better news. Talk through the maybes and their conditions. Ask about theirs. Then put them together into a proper negotiation; Marcus has a full negotiation checklist that turns a limits list into an actual agreement.
If you’re sharing with a long-term partner who doesn’t know about your kinks yet, that’s a bigger conversation. Diane’s guide to sharing your list with a partner is gentler than anything I could write about it.
What happens after?
You’ll learn things. Something on your maybe list might turn out to be a firm no. Something on your no list might drift to maybe after a year with someone you trust. Both are fine.
Whatever happens, plan for aftercare alongside your limits. What can happen and what you need afterward belong on the same page.
My spreadsheet is on version six now. The “absolutely not” column has barely changed. The curious column keeps growing. What’s on yours?
Frequently asked questions
What is the difference between hard and soft limits?
A hard limit is something you will not do under any circumstances. A soft limit is something you might consider with conditions, with a particular person, or later.
How do I make a limits list?
Go through categories of activity, setting and communication, and sort each into yes, maybe or no. Note the conditions for every maybe, and revisit the list regularly.
Can limits change?
Yes. Limits often change with experience and trust. A partner should never pressure you to change one, but you can update your list whenever you like.
